sorry friends...

I have been the worst blogger ever lately. I have been so busy and so full of stress since my husband left a few weeks back. I got offered and accepted a new job last week, same company different location and department. I am really excited about the job it is going to be a great career move for the future. The first few weeks my husband was gone were by far the hardest things kept changing as far as plans, call times and his location and it was causing me mucho stress. Things for now have calmed down and I am now finally starting to get into a routine thank goodness for that. I had a really hard first week or so as far as sleeping went but that has now gotten much better as well. I miss him more then there are words and there are days I honestly feel like this year is going to kill me but.... we have talked a lot of the past few weeks and decided to start trying for a baby when he comes home on his 2 week R&R we are both more then excited. His R&R is going to be to be late in his deployment cycle so he wont be missing out on much, we can't wait to start our family and we have decided that there is never going to be the perfect time so lets just do it! Our 2 year anniversary is on the 27th of this month and it is really hard to believe it has already been 2 years it seems like just yesterday we met and here we are 4 years later. I will try hard to be better at this whole blogging thing especially now that I have had some time to adjust to this whole deployment idea.

Missed calls

So today I officially missed not only one but two phone calls from my husband I have not heard from him in 2 days now and I missed the calls.... awesome!

Seattle trip pictures! (there were a million here are a few)

I just love him....

Not at all how I saw yesterday going.....

So I am finally back from all of my travels and I have no real trips planned again for the next few months. I am more then exhausted it has been 2 crazy full weeks. Seattle as I said in my prior post was such an amazing time and I promise there will be pictures tonight! The FRG weekend meeting in CT was also a good time it made me feel a lot better to meet some of the spouses and families of the guys my husband will be spending the next year with. I met one wife while I was in Seattle briefly and spend much of this last weekend getting to know her and she and her kids are such wonderful people I am so thankful that I had that opportunity. I am looking forward to staying in touch with some of the girls especially the one I spent much of the weekend with as her and my husband will be spending much time together over this next year. I started my day off yesterday with a 4:30 am ish call from my husband he had made it to Kuwait safely thank goodness one less thing to worry about for now, it was so great to hear his voice. I got up showered for work and was leaning in a doorway speaking with my brother and one of his friends (they stayed the night passing through town) and woke up on the floor with my brother and his friend in my face asking if I was ok? I went to the ER where they did a million and one blood tests, an EKG (that showed my heart rhythm is good but my heart is beating slow), 2 bags of IV fluid and 20+ blood pressure checks (they couldn't get my blood pressure up). It was a long day full of Dr's and nurses I was so glad that they finally released me late yesterday afternoon all I wanted to do was be at home. They still are not sure why my heart is beating slow and my blood pressure is so low but I will be wearing a holter monitor for 3-5 days to track my heart so we should maybe know more soon. I am feeling a little better today by no means am I well, I still feel shaky, run down and weak but I am hoping the results of the rest of my blood work will be in today with some answers. I have been under a huge amount of stress and anxiety with the whole deployment and having my life out of whack so to say (my routine is and has been shot since pre-deployment training started). I did finally get the call over the weekend letting me know he was leaving for Kuwait and the call that he arrived safely so he is finally gone and I don't know how I feel about it yet. I know he has been gone for months and months but I could call him and he could call me everyday and now I sit and wait for his calls and never know when the phone will ring and it sucks. I know that I need to find a way to stress less because I now know just how it can effect someone and I'm not going to lie yesterday really scared me I really need to find a routine and some how find relaxation in life. I have been having a lot of issues sleeping lately I have little to no trouble falling asleep but staying asleep is a huge issue, I did speak to the Dr. yesterday about the stress and sleep issues possibly being related to passing out and they said it's possible but again they don't know. I will update as I know more but for now I am feeling a little better and trying to not stress about everything so much.

MIA

Sorry I have been MIA lately but life has just been CRAZY. I got back late Tuesday night from Seattle/ Ft. Lewis, I had such an amazing time. It was a very bitter sweet trip for me, while I was more then excited to see my wonderful husband knowing at the end of the trip we would be saying good bye again but this time for much much longer hung over both of our heads. We did all the fun tourist things; The Space Needle, Pikes Place Market (my favorite thing we did), shopping downtown, a lunch cruise on Lake Washington to watch the Blue Angels air show. We did so many fun things and I have to be honest in saying a few things, First I completely LOVE Seattle for that matter the whole sate of Washington, and second this was by far the most memorable and one of the best if not the best places vacation wise me and Steve have ever been. Steve's pass was Friday through Monday however I was able to pick him up Thursday around lunch time and he was with me until I left for the airport to come home Tuesday late afternoon I must say that I am more then thankful that we had those extra couple of half day's together. The more that I am away from my husband the more I realize that I just function better with him around and the more I realize that he is what makes my life everything that I had ever dreamed that it would be. I am so lucky to have such a sweet, thoughtful, understanding and patient husband I don't know how I got so lucky! I will post some pictures of our trip soon and I promise I will get back into regular blogging now that things have finally kind of settled down. I am leaving again tomorrow to go to Hartford CT for our yellow ribbon phase 3 meeting should be a good time with lots of helpful information I'm sure. One last thing that just came to mind, I met a lot of the soldiers that Steven is deploying with and all I have to say is that he is so lucky to be with such a great group of people, I know it made me feel so much better to meet them and know that they all "have each others backs".

FRG

I am such a serious blog slacker.... As you may know or not know for that matter my husband was cross leveled to deploy with a unit out of CT. I had my first FRG meeting tonight well kind of and by that I mean it was via a tela-conference. It was actually nice to hear from the commanders and master Sgt. of his unit on how the guys are doing. Me and the Mr. do talk daily but because he is now working 12 hour shifts and with the time change, me working days and he working nights so the conversations are brief to say the least. I know that it will not be forever and I am learning to be okay with it, but never the less it is always nice to hear from someone else that all the guys are doing well. I am really missing the husband today and knowing that in one week I will be headed to see him is so EXCITING! It is a very bitter sweet thing for me right now as much as I cannot wait to see him, I also know that at the end of his 4 day pass with in a small amount of time he will be leaving the country for Iraq. I feel like even though we are living the deployment life it is not the "true deployment life" yet and by this I mean he is still in the states and he is safe and I know that. It seemed so real tonight hearing the commander say that they would be flying to Iraq in the near future, wow like this Iraq thing is really happening and soon wow.

Reasons to smile

Today was a good day for no real reason ( I did however start my day with a call from Mr. Wonderful). I found several reasons to smile today and took the time to realize how truly blessed I am. I leave for Seattle 1 week from Wednesday, I have a million things to do before then but I am so excited! I am going to go an enjoy whats left of a great day!





- Lindsay

I am...

Today I woke up thinking about 400 days and how long in reality 400 days really is. As of today we are 6 weeks down and 51ish to go, I really don't know how I feel about this right now. On one hand I feel like the 6 weeks has flown by but on the other hand I feel like the next 51 will be completely different. By completely different I mean that he has spent these last weeks in the US and the next few weeks or so he will be here but after that he will be leaving for Iraq. I realize that gone is gone any way you look at it, but mentally knowing he will be "gone to Iraq gone" is something that I kind of have some anxiety about. I am a total planner I plan everything and I mean EVERYTHING and not knowing what this next year has to bring has been rough for me. I have been really productive around the house though, I have had the time (since I have nothing but time now that husband is gone) to work on all the little projects that I always put off doing. I painted the bathroom yesterday and I put together a new huge DVD rack (my husband is a DVD freak we have over 400, he is out of control) so finally we have a rack big enough for all the DVD's and they are no longer in stacks next to the old racks! Lindsey I am also thinking about you today as I know you will be on your way home today and your deployment officially starts today. I am here for you and I look forward to more frequent conversations, I have missed you!! Hang in there, now the count down begins!

A fellow blogger friend...

What a busy busy day.... I finally painted my bathroom hopefully next weekend the remodel project will be done!! So I am now done to 11 days until I leave for Ft Lewis and I cannot wait to see my husband. I am still having really mixed emotions about seeing him and by this I mean that I am now use to him being gone (as much as one can be use to not having their husband around). I know that at the end of his 4 day pass that he will with in days be leaving the country for Iraq. I am having a hard time with the unknown at this point in time it is rumored that he will be at a remote base with no mail service and limited other services I am trying not to worry about it yet as again it's only rumored information. I have had one of my blogger friends on my mind a lot these past few days, Lindsey over at http://lindseybick.blogspot.com/ I have a special place in my heart for her (we are going through our first deployments together). Her husband leaves to start his deployment today or tomorrow? I can't remember what day it was for sure but I was there less then 7 weeks ago myself and so all I have been able to think about for the last few days is Lindsey, Karmen and Kasey. I am so thankful to have met Lindsey when I did because I needed her in my life more then I could have ever imagined, it is always such a comfort to have someone to relate with in your same situation. Lindsey if you read this thank you for being such an incredible friend and know that no matter what I am always here for you and we will get through this together!

Skype

The husband called me while I was at MAC tonight telling me he had a good Internet connection and to get my butt home so we could Skype. I cut my shopping trip short and got home, here are a few pictures that I just thought I would share. I realize more and more everyday just how truly lucky I am.

-Lindsay

Update...

Ok so my "real" post, I have had a few crazy busy days lately. I decided to bid on one of the 2 job postings and took the 6 tests required to qualify for the job so we shall see what happens next. I have not spoken to the Mr. very much lately he has been working nights to prepare for Iraq and with my work schedule and his training on top of working nights time has become sort of an issue. I get up at 5am everyday so I try to be in bed by 10pm and with the time change it just makes it harder to have real conversations. My bathroom remodel is almost finished and than goodness for that I will finally be able to use my master bathroom again! I have a few deployment projects that I have been trying to finish up being that he leaves for Iraq with in the next 3 weeks sometime. I will be leaving for Seattle/ Ft Lewis 2 weeks from today to see my husband for his 4 day pass. I got an email from the FRG Monday inviting me to come to yellow ribbon phase 3 so I will be attending that as I feel like it will be really good for me to meet some of the other spouses. My situation is quite different then others my husband was cross leveled by a unit across the country to deploy, we are stationed at an AFB even though my husband is Army so the support that I feel like I need isn't here physically for me. I must say that I really am looking forward to meeting the spouses of the men my husband is so often speaking about. The yellow ribbon phase 3 is in Hartford CT it will be a super busy 10ish days I leave for Ft Lewis on Aug 4th get home Aug 10th and leave for CT on Aug 13th so I have a lot going on in the real near future. So a lot has been going on and a lot will continue to be going on but I am committed to making an effort to blog as I feel like it really does help me to talk about whats going on in my life even if no one else were ever to read it.

I'm a serious slacker.....

I just wanted to get a quick post out. I have been so busy over the last 5-6 days I mean legit busy, my parents were here over the weekend. I have been doing the finishing work in my bathroom just to get it finished (this remodel has gone on for almost 2 months too long). I sent out another 2 care packages on Monday because it never fails that he needs/ wants something from home. I will do a real post/ update later today sometime.

-Linds

To bid or not to bid?

So I am writing this post from work with a lot on my mind. I have been at my current job for 2 and a half years now and while I don't love it I don't most days hate it either. Now I am not saying this to toot my own horn but I am well liked in my current department my hours are wonderful and I have my feet dipped in a lot of great projects that really will look good on my resume. I have lately been feeling like I need more not just from work but my life in general I mean I guess I just feel like I have so much potential that I am not using right now. With all of that being said I do like my job and I LOVE the people I work with most days. I work in the health care industry and it is a union company not that this information is all that important but, when new positions in the region become available you bid for the job and then you test for the job then they interview by seniority. 2 job's have become available and I am just not really sure what I should do at this point. Both of the jobs are higher grades they pay several more dollars an hours and might or might not be more fulfilling. At this point in my life I am really struggling with the questions of where do I really belong? What is it that I really want to be doing? Where would I excel as a person? To me working is not about the money I mean it helps but I spend 40 hours a week at work I really want to like what I am doing and there are days that I really do and others that I feel like I'm in a deep hole with no way to get out. I feel like with Mr. R gone this is the time I should be finding myself and taking chances but I really don't know what to do. It really sucks not being able to talk to Mr. R about this, but when we have time to talk there is always something more important to talk about and I don't want him to worry about my happiness he has plenty to worry about right now. I know that we are all human and learning is all about making mistakes but I would hate to end up somewhere that I wasn't happy and feel stuck there ya know?

-Lindsay

so... yeah

I don't really have anything much to talk about or report on today. Husband got his care package and loved it and it even arrived on our meet-a-versary! Work has been so completely insane lately I have had a week full of meetings and projects and wow I am so glad that tomorrow is finally Friday. I came home from work today and took a nap and I literally never do that. I have been getting up at 5am for a couple years now and I would say I'm pretty use to it but I get such crazy sleep now that the husband is gone that I am tired all the time. I did finally paint my toes again tonight the electric purple served it's purpose and it was more then time for a change so on to electric pink! My parents are coming this weekend and I am so so excited it is for sure going to be a busy weekend but bring it on! I am really missing Mr. R today, it is almost getting harder knowing that in less then 3 weeks I will get to see him for a few short days. I did finally book my vacation to Seattle t-19 days! So I am working on a book for my husband to take to Iraq with him and it has been a lot harder then I could have imagined it is called "what I love about you" if you have not heard about it google it, it seriously is such a cute deployment keepsake. I am about 3/4 of the way done with it but we have so many memories together that I am finding it hard to pick just one thing to write about for each question. I have also added so many extra things like quotes on the bottom of pages and tons of pictures all over inside the book I don't know I just want him to have something special! So it's late and even though I am not at all tired unless I want a repeat of today I should seriously try and find my way to bed. So it's been a totally random post as always but I will get better at this whole blog thing I promise! I am still really new and trying to figure this whole thing out! Thanks for your support and patients as always!

-Linds

I met Mr. Wonderful 3 years ago today

Today makes the 3 year anniversary of the day my life changed forever. It is so hard to believe that it has already been 3 years where does the time go? I sent a care package to Steven on Monday of some of his favorite things I really wanted to do something special for him. It wasn't much but I made him rice krispy treats they are one of his all time favs, and I bakes him some double chocolate chip cookies cause eh why not right? I also sent him a few bags of his favorite candy and a hand full of his magazines that are still being delivered to the house. I wish he would have received them today but hey it's all good there is always tomorrow. I have been thinking a lot today about my life in general and I am seriously so lucky to have married such an incredible man. Steve is so good to me and couldn't love me more if he tried he truly does make life complete for me. We have been married a short year and 9 months and spent a good amount of time apart and as hard as it is he is more then worth waiting for. Steven I love you more then there will ever be words enough to describe, Happy Meet-a-versary!

Summer swap!

I recently participated in a summer essentials swap hosted by http://flipflopcombatboots.blogspot.com/. It was such a great experience and I met an amazing new friend so really whats not to love right? I swapped with Elizabeth over at http://homewifey.blogspot.com/, I seriously could not have asked for a better swap partner! I received so many great gifts, it was such a great time and I hope someone decides to host another one again sometime soon!! Thank you so much Elizabeth it seriously did make my day and I LOVE everything!

-Lindsay

yay for tile!

Today has been such a busy day as they seem to be lately! Work has been so crazy busy lately but I am so thankful for the distraction. My master bathroom has been in the middle of a total remodel for like 6ish weeks now. My parents are nice enough to be completely redoing my master bathroom and I am so completely ready and excited for it to be finished already. It has taken what seems like forever since my parents live 4 hours away and have jobs and lives of their own. Today I was finally able to get the rest of the tile needed to finish my bathroom, the tile store has been sold out of the tile I needed for WEEKS. So while my parents are here this weekend I am hopeful that the rest of the tile will get finished up so we can finally grout, paint and put in the new vanity and what not! So today was a much much better day for the most part! it is kind of getting late and my 5am wake up call comes far to early. On another note tomorrow makes the 3 year anniversary of the day I met my amazing husband I will blog more about that tomorrow and talk about more about the care package I sent Mr. Wonderful earlier this week and my upcoming Seattle trip that I am beside myself excited about!!

-Linds

To all of my "friends"

I just wanted to take a minute out of my day to thank the supportive military spouses I have come into contact with though blogging. I am so thankful to know that I am not alone, your kind and supportive words though comments mean the world to me. I look forward on a daily basis to reading your posts and comments. To each of you, Thank you from the bottom my heart.

-Linds

Why does everything seem harder when you are gone?

I know all of my posts lately probably seem negative and truly that is not at all who I am. I think for me it's just easier right now to be angry and negative and I truly HATE it. I by nature am such a happy go person and I am just having a hard time right now finding the silver lining in anything. I really feel like I am grieving right now and I guess I kind of am.... I am not grieving the loss of my husband per say but I am grieving the loss of his presence. I feel guilty all the time lately, I feel like I am so busy being angry about everything and with all of the daily crap that all I have time to think about it myself. Today I ended up having to deal with Wells Fargo over the whole Service member civil relief act, something we had gone to the bank and done the necessary paper work for weeks before the deployment. I find out today that they never received any of the paper work talk about annoying, so my point of this story is all I could think was "seriously? as if my life is not hard enough right now and now it's another thing I have to take care of on my own". Selfish I know I am well aware of how bad this post is making me sound but this right now is my reality. Steve started deployment 4 weeks ago and during this past 4 weeks I have experienced emotions I did not even know existed. I have weekly melt downs usually on Sunday nights I don't know what it is about Sunday nights but it seems to be the day for melting down for me. It could be that Sunday is always another week down but for me it is still so over whelming I mean if he stays deployed for his whole predicted deployment we still more then a year left so 4 weeks down 52+ to go? I wish there was a guide that could tell me what is "normal" to feel right now. I know I don't talk about the good things in my life but trust me my life is good (well minus my husband being deployed). On a happier note my parents will be in town this weekend I just saw them over the long 4th weekend I drove the 4ish hours out to there house for 5 days it was so nice just to get away (and I stayed so busy that I didn't have time to think about not having my husband around). I am taking it a day at a time right now because well... honestly it's the only thing I know how to do right now. I am bound and determined to pull out of this funk. My cousin who is 10 asked me the other day "Lindsay do you miss Steve?" my reply "I miss him more then you could imagine possible, some days I miss him so much that I feel like I might seriously die". There is nothing out there in this world that can prepare you for a deployment, not only is my husband gone but my best friend as well. At the end of the day the one thing I can say is... I know more then ever that I married the man that truly does complete everything in my life.

-Lindsay

Sunday not so funday

I seriously do not know what is the deal with me lately, I get irritated so easily and I hate feeling like this. I have so much to do today my house is a complete disaster and my parents will be here next weekend no bueno. I have a bunch of stuff I need to bake today so I can get a care package out to Steve tomorrow as Wednesday is the anniversary of the day we met (yes I know we are complete dorks to celebrate this but so be it!). I also have a list of songs and CD's a mile long to download onto my Ipod that I really need to get done today.... well maybe? I have laundry to do along with all that other fun "grown up" junk. I can already tell that this blog along with 90% of my others ones is going to be ALL over the place and I truly do apologize for that people probably read my blog and their heads spin! So on another note I have been doing a lot of thinking about the months to come and how much my life has and will continue to change. I currently have nothing but time on my hands (other then the 40 hell like hours I spend at work weekly) so with all of my new found free time I spend a lot of it thinking about the future. I have decided being a "grown up" is pretty much over rated, I mean house payments, thoughts of starting a family, deciding on the best plan for when this deployment is over (active duty, civilian job ect.). I am 26 by the time Steve gets home I will be well on my way to 28 (holy crap when did all these years fly by?) we really want to start a family when he gets home and sell our house and buy a bigger one. If he decided to continue with active duty (right now active duty retirement is so close for him this is my hope) it would change our plans a little, we would not sell our house but rent it our because we would most likely end up relocating to another state and live on base or off base depending on what part of the county we end up in. Starting a family is the only definite right now and I am not going to lie I am so excited about that! I have had major baby fever for the last year or so but it just was not the right time and in the grand scheme of things I am more then glad that it didn't happen because the only thing worse then this deployment alone would be raising a child for a year on my own (props to all you "single" Mommy's out there). I guess what I am getting to is just this, I have SO much time these days to think about everything. One last thing before I end this oh so random post I was on the phone with my wonderful husband this morning and he says to me " I hope you don't forget about me" now first things first, I could never forget about him he truly is such an amazing person inside and out and I am so thankful daily that he chose me to spend his life with (I don't know what I did to deserve him but whatever it was I am more then thankful). Second I think about him all day every day I mean seriously all day every day, he is never far from my thoughts or worries. Third and final thought on this (now I am confident this is about to sound awful but whatever) I am so glad to know that he joking or seriously feels this way because I often have worries about that, like what if he goes away for a year and likes the feeling of being alone? I know it's a crazy thought but I have heard stories so you just never know.

-Lindsay

Blog fail

Yesterday no post woops! I have literally had the longest short week ever at work ever. So, I started my morning today just enraged for a few different reasons. Reason 1, we switched to Comcast like a month ago or something because I felt like I could no longer live without DVR! so while switching to Comcast they talked me into a triple play bundle service (phone, Internet and digital cable) which whatever it's fine even though I have no need for a home phone. Since getting Comcast I have literally received like 4-8 calls per day from debt collectors for some random person I have never even heard of. This morning at 7:20 the phone rings and it wakes me up and it's a freaking debt collector for someone I have never even heard of AHHHH!!!! I then call up Comcast and let them know I need a new phone number TODAY, the woman proceeded to tell me that I should really just explain to the debt collectors calling that I don't know that person...... ummm NO. They did finally give me a new home number but I have been dealing with this for a month to long now and I am just over it. So irritation 2 of the day, now I understand that unless you live the military spouse lifestyle there are some things that you will just never understand. This however does not give you an excuse to be ignorant and insulting. A "friend" of mine asks me this morning how do you do it? like being away from your spouse all the time being lonely.... OK so by this point I get what is being hinted at and I say to my friend "It is not easy nor is it suppose to be but I stay so busy all the time and it really is all about the love you have for the other person, and my other person is more then worth waiting for" my friend then says to me "Lindsay I have a friend who's husband is a Marine and he told my friend that you can have sex with whom ever you would like to have sex with, but if you get knocked up its over" Ummm WHAT! your kidding right? I mean you seriously have to be kidding? Now this situation is none of my business, though I do not at all agree with it. I then told my friend "look a year is a really long time and with all of Steve's training it will end up being a year an a half but its all about being strong willed and knowing at the end of the deployment you have the rest of your life to spend with that person". A year seems like an eternity right now but in the over all picture of life a year is such a small fraction of time. I am an Army wife and most day's it sucks but I love my husband more and more every single day and I could not be more proud of what he is doing. Sometimes I just wish people would take a minute to think before they speak, my husband is deployed for the freedom of every person in this country along with all of our other deployed service members, if you do not have anything nice to say I ask you to say nothing at all.

-Lindsay

3rd for the day, lets hope this continues?

I just want to say to all of you other military spouses out there I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I live in Denver and my husband was before he cross leveled stationed at a small AFB even though yes he is Army. I lack the support of people around me who knows what it feels like to go though a deployment and while I love my friends no a 3 week business trip is not the same so please stop comparing it. I always feel so much better after "speaking" with or reading other blogs knowing that I most defiantly am not alone! So truly thank you all again and I am most excited to get get more involved and interact with more of you.

-Lindsay

2 week block leave!

Better late then never! Steve's block leave was several weeks ago right before he left for deployment and I am just now getting around to blogging it! We went to Ft. Myers FL to see Steve's family before his deployment. My family all for the most part lives in Colorado and we are lucky enough to see them fairly often his family we do not often enough see. We spent 10 days on the coast and enjoyed every single minute of it! We had an amazing view of the "river" from our room, spent a few days at the beach, went to Busch Gardens, just had an amazing and memorable trip as we always do. I would like to just share a few pictures from our trip.

making an effort

I am going to starting right now, make more of an effort towards this whole "blogging" thing. I am still very new to this whole amazing community and I want to be more involved in it. I am going to stop making "I'm to busy excuses" and just do it, truth is I'm not all that busy I just have a hard time sitting down and writing whats on my mind. To write what is on ones mind means to actually analyze whats on ones mind and as the days goes by I find myself not wanting to live in whats actually going on. It has taken me several weeks to kind of come to terms with this whole deployment so to speak. I find myself wishing that there was a guide to tell you what feelings are "normal" however I have realized that no one gets to tell me how I should feel and what is and isn't "normal" in my life right now. I am finding it much harder then I could have ever prepared myself for..... I miss having my husband home, home where be belongs. I feel so alone right now yet I am surrounded by people, I have had a really hard time with the emotions that I don't quite know how to deal with yet. Steve has been gone for 4 weeks and some days it feels like he has been gone forever and other days it feels like he left yesterday. I am having a hard time with my upcoming trip to WA to see my husband for his 4 day pass before he actually leaves country for Iraq. I have skyped a few times with my soldier this week and man was it good to see his face, his smile but it almost made it harder to see him and know I can't touch him but such is the lifestyle right? This post as always is all over the place.

Feeling oh so blah today

So I for the past few days have been feeling better but still not quite like myself. Steven was busy yesterday so we didn't talk much and that's OK I understand he has stuff he has to do, but when we did talk I couldn't help but be completely irritated. I know that it wasn't all his fault I just haven't been feeling right lately and I just can't explain it. He called to talk to me about his pay issues ( no one is getting paid ) and I am kinda just sick of hearing about it as always with he military they say one thing and do another then change it 28 times before things get straightened out. Steve told me he would call me back when he got out of finance and I was busy and couldn't talk so I called him when I had gotten into bed last night and he was busy at a promotion party and I could not even hear him so he said he would call back I waited about 20 minutes and did not hear back from him ( again I know he is busy ) and so I sent him a text telling him to just call me tomorrow I was going to bed ( 5am wake up calls come super early ). Steve called me shortly after and I was so very irritated I was tired and just not in the mood to talk. He proceeded to tell me how he was disappointed about his promotion ( he is up for promotion and put in a packet a few months back but because of some paper work being a few days out of date they didn't even consider him ) I was then really irritated he was told he could put in another packet for promotion board in Aug. and do you think he has worked on it at all?!? heck no.... then he tells me he wants to promote blah blah blah and I told him no you don't or you would have worked on your packet and wouldn't be making excuses. He then gets mad at me and tells me fine I'll call in the morning, and at this point I don't care what he does he deserves the promotion but this is on him and I'm sick of always being the one to have to push him to do what he needs to do. I got a text this morning tell me that he needs his ass kicked sometimes and that hes going to do group PT and then play volleyball so he will call me today at some point then signs the text SSG Rolofson... I am not impressed even if he was trying to be funny, I woke up fine this morning and now that I have stewed about this I am now irritated again.... here is to today only going up from here.

Monday, Monday....

Another week is done and gone and I haven't accomplished much of my giant to do list. I have been so busy since Steven left 2 weeks ago and I feel as though nothing is getting accomplished but such is life. I had another amazing weekend with my amazing family! I am so thankful that they all live so close because I more then ever need them now. Steven is finally off of the night shift and it's about time! I really miss talking to him throughout the day. I have been working on a few deployment projects they will take me some time but I think he will appreciate them! I also feel so much better about the upcoming deployment as I now have a deployment buddy! Lindsey's husband will be deploying shortly after my husband so it will be nice to have someone going through what I am going through at the same time. This oil spill is really depressing not only for the obvious reasons but because of our upcoming vacation to the gulf coast of FL. I did however finally get my watches sized so I can finally wear them they are such cute summer watches! Since Lindsey came in to my life a few short days ago things have been so much better I fill like I finally have someone to talk to who completely gets it and I am ever so thankful for her!! I really need to find myself back at the gym I have really been slacking lately and it would probably make me feel better for many reasons. I have all intentions of starting to tan again at some point this week while I know how bad it is for you I need to get some color before I spend 10 days at the beach so I don't all sun burned. I know that this blog has been so random but I just have a lot on my mind right now.... like the fact that my parents will be here in a little over 3 weeks to redo my bathroom all the tile in the shower and new tile on the floor with a new vanity and I am SO excited but I really need to get my bathroom cleaned out before the bathroom gutting party in 2 weeks.

Alone again

Steven is once again gone and has been for 2 weeks now. He will return home at the end of the month for 2 weeks and I cannot wait! It's going to be such a bitter sweet time for me though, while I love having him home with me where he belongs I know at the end of the 2 weeks he will be reporting for his 400 day deployment to Iraq. I have found myself full of a lot of guilt lately as I have been going through all of the process of getting ready (ready as much as you can be) for this deployment. I have been a mess of emotions lately and its only bound to get worse I am sure. I talk to Steve everyday and I am thankful for that, but it just isn't the same as having him here. I have been reading a lot of military related books lately on deployments and such and I have decided that they just upset me more and that while I love knowing what I can possibly expect they are just filling me with doubts and I can't do it to myself anymore. I have been spending a TON of time trying to make lists of everything that needs to be taken care of before he leaves and the list just seems so over whelming at this time but I still have a almost 4 weeks to get everything taken care of. I keep finding myself thinking only of me and I hate it but I can't help it. I think of how this year will be living all alone only having myself to depend on... I find myself so filled with guilt because I just want him to leave already and I know that sounds awful but it is soo hard having him gone and home and gone and home. By the time I adjust to him being away he comes home again and then I have to adjust to him being around again, I do cherish every moment we have together but I am ready to start this deployment already so we can start the count down to him being home! He has been gone on and off since Feburary and has been gone far more then he has been home. I will go out to Ft. Lewis (where he is going to deploy from) in early August for a 4 day pass his entire unit will have as they will fly a few days later to Iraq. I can't even begin to imagine what that trip is going to be like other then I'm sure it is going to be full of tears. I have been trying really hard for my husband to see the positive in this situation although it's really hard right now to see any positive but I am trying......

Pre deploment training begins.

So finally the time has come for Steves pre deployment training to begin. It seems like it was just yesterday that we received the news that he would be deploying on 400 day orders to Iraq. We actually found out in the middle of January yet these last two months have just flown by. As I find myself trying to get use to the idea of living alone and being alone again I have found myself with extra time on my hands so a blog seems like a great use of some of my new found free time. I actually have my friend Kaylee to thank for the whole idea of starting a blog as I always find myself looking forward to finding out what is happening in Monje's World! Steven left just 2 short days ago for Ft. Dix NJ for 2 weeks, he will then return home for almost 2 weeks I find myself looking so forward to having him home again! He will then leave again for 6 weeks of training and will come home for the final 2 weeks before reporting for deployment on June 14th. I am so excited for the 2 weeks before his deployment as we have a 10 day trip planned to Ft. Myers FL to see his family and spend some much needed time together.