I know all of my posts lately probably seem negative and truly that is not at all who I am. I think for me it's just easier right now to be angry and negative and I truly HATE it. I by nature am such a happy go person and I am just having a hard time right now finding the silver lining in anything. I really feel like I am grieving right now and I guess I kind of am.... I am not grieving the loss of my husband per say but I am grieving the loss of his presence. I feel guilty all the time lately, I feel like I am so busy being angry about everything and with all of the daily crap that all I have time to think about it myself. Today I ended up having to deal with Wells Fargo over the whole Service member civil relief act, something we had gone to the bank and done the necessary paper work for weeks before the deployment. I find out today that they never received any of the paper work talk about annoying, so my point of this story is all I could think was "seriously? as if my life is not hard enough right now and now it's another thing I have to take care of on my own". Selfish I know I am well aware of how bad this post is making me sound but this right now is my reality. Steve started deployment 4 weeks ago and during this past 4 weeks I have experienced emotions I did not even know existed. I have weekly melt downs usually on Sunday nights I don't know what it is about Sunday nights but it seems to be the day for melting down for me. It could be that Sunday is always another week down but for me it is still so over whelming I mean if he stays deployed for his whole predicted deployment we still more then a year left so 4 weeks down 52+ to go? I wish there was a guide that could tell me what is "normal" to feel right now. I know I don't talk about the good things in my life but trust me my life is good (well minus my husband being deployed). On a happier note my parents will be in town this weekend I just saw them over the long 4th weekend I drove the 4ish hours out to there house for 5 days it was so nice just to get away (and I stayed so busy that I didn't have time to think about not having my husband around). I am taking it a day at a time right now because well... honestly it's the only thing I know how to do right now. I am bound and determined to pull out of this funk. My cousin who is 10 asked me the other day "Lindsay do you miss Steve?" my reply "I miss him more then you could imagine possible, some days I miss him so much that I feel like I might seriously die". There is nothing out there in this world that can prepare you for a deployment, not only is my husband gone but my best friend as well. At the end of the day the one thing I can say is... I know more then ever that I married the man that truly does complete everything in my life.