Alone again

Steven is once again gone and has been for 2 weeks now. He will return home at the end of the month for 2 weeks and I cannot wait! It's going to be such a bitter sweet time for me though, while I love having him home with me where he belongs I know at the end of the 2 weeks he will be reporting for his 400 day deployment to Iraq. I have found myself full of a lot of guilt lately as I have been going through all of the process of getting ready (ready as much as you can be) for this deployment. I have been a mess of emotions lately and its only bound to get worse I am sure. I talk to Steve everyday and I am thankful for that, but it just isn't the same as having him here. I have been reading a lot of military related books lately on deployments and such and I have decided that they just upset me more and that while I love knowing what I can possibly expect they are just filling me with doubts and I can't do it to myself anymore. I have been spending a TON of time trying to make lists of everything that needs to be taken care of before he leaves and the list just seems so over whelming at this time but I still have a almost 4 weeks to get everything taken care of. I keep finding myself thinking only of me and I hate it but I can't help it. I think of how this year will be living all alone only having myself to depend on... I find myself so filled with guilt because I just want him to leave already and I know that sounds awful but it is soo hard having him gone and home and gone and home. By the time I adjust to him being away he comes home again and then I have to adjust to him being around again, I do cherish every moment we have together but I am ready to start this deployment already so we can start the count down to him being home! He has been gone on and off since Feburary and has been gone far more then he has been home. I will go out to Ft. Lewis (where he is going to deploy from) in early August for a 4 day pass his entire unit will have as they will fly a few days later to Iraq. I can't even begin to imagine what that trip is going to be like other then I'm sure it is going to be full of tears. I have been trying really hard for my husband to see the positive in this situation although it's really hard right now to see any positive but I am trying......